Thread: Tools of the trade...

I thought about putting this in the conversation forum, but some might not get it...as where most of you guys here in the Workshop will entirely understand everything. This was one of those forwards that I actually read & made sense:

Finally, a proper description!!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity or thumb removal.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Got anything to add?

HAMMER: Also known as Sh%&, G&d Da*n, SOB. This is the most useful tool, It is always the correct size to destroy a project during last tap of the job.

HAMMER: (see above) also, primary tool used to create under-nail blood blisters and useful for [finger]nail removal

Bubba

HYRAULIC NAIL GUN: An excellent tool for testing your marksmanship on random objects in the shop or small animals outside. Highly trained professionals are commonly found in high-school wood shop.

Originally Posted by woodsmandave

HYRAULIC NAIL GUN: An excellent tool for testing your marksmanship on random objects in the shop or small animals outside. Highly trained professionals are commonly found in high-school wood shop.

A guy I knew stapled himself to a crate with an industrial stapler, right through the middle of the nail of his thumb.
I was told that removing the staple was much worse than shooting it in.

BUFFER WHEEL: device for violently flinging workpieces through the workshop in the same vertical place as the person holding it. It is secretly trying to catch you unaware to that it can grip a finger or thumb, in order to brutally rip it out of its socket.

personal experience from the olde days when I was in the shop in highschool:

BIG 4 CLAW LATHE CHUCK: massive flywheel designed to force it's way trough the plexiglass safety cover at 2000RPM to verify you're not wearing earrings and to test wall integrity.

side note; the wall lost. minor nick in my earlobe.


chuck key: tool to switch the light above the lathe off permanently until replacement bulb can be located in the dark.

FLOOR RAMPS-used to elevate vehicle by those too lazy to use hydraulic floor jack, results in driving off ramps, thereby necessitating the use of the afore mentioned hydraulic floor jack to remove ramps wedged under vehicle.

Left handed screwdriver: The thing we always send a first year apprentice to get from our toolboxes on his first day..

Wood chisel: An edged tool for cutting/shaping timber. Also used by some for flush cutting nails.... One time use only.

Shooter74743, this has to be one of the funniest threads I have ever read here. Each one just kept getting better. Don't know if you made all of these up, but if you did, Brilliant!

Best Regards Ken

Dremel: Known as a multi-tool, this little device is able to destroy any object, in a fraction of a second. A huge array of available bits allows you to apply it to any stage of your work, sometimes it lets you ruin things sooner rather than later. This actually saves work, as it is better to discard your first attempt, from here on known as your "test run", and restart your project as early as possible. Handy for removing calluses you were not aware you had.